


The Lonely

by mggislife2789



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Break Up, F/M, Loneliness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-22
Updated: 2017-06-22
Packaged: 2018-11-17 10:59:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 863
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11274075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mggislife2789/pseuds/mggislife2789
Summary: Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters or their original stories. This is only for fun. It's where my brain goes after the credits roll. No copyright intended. Better safe than sorry. ;)





	The Lonely

Two AM, where do I begin  
Crying off my face again  
The silent sound of loneliness  
Wants to follow me to bed  
\---

I can’t believe my life has come to this again. 

Once more I’ve left my house. Gone out with friends in a hollow attempt to get my mind off of the shit storm that is my life, and once more I’ve returned from said event even worse for the wear.

For a few hours, I’ve staved off my emotions. Shoved them down into that tiny dark room in the back of my mind that suffocates thoughts for a short while only to have them burst back to life when the door is opened again. In these past few hours, I’ve put on the mask, the one that hides what truly lies beneath while tricking others into thinking it’s the real thing. 

Everyone asked. “How’s Aaron?”

“Whatever happened to you and Aaron? You were so good together.”

You were. Or you’d thought so. But apparently, even if you were, it wasn’t enough.

Again.

\---  
I’m a ghost of a girl  
That I want to be most  
I’m the shell of a girl  
That I used to know well  
\---

Before him…before the others, I was bubbly and carefree, headstrong, loving - the sum of all my beautiful, broken and imperfect parts. Not anymore. As each man weaved in and out of my life, those broken parts were broken again. There were only so many times a broken thing could be repaired before the damage was irreparable. Only then could I possibly will the phoenix fires to bring it back into existence.

I am so tired. Tired of putting my all into a relationship only to have my lover tell me that despite how much they loved me, other things had to come first. In Aaron’s case, he had a child, which I understand needed to come first, but that job…that damn job…

I met him at a law enforcement event both of our bosses had forced us to go to and allowed his smile to reel me in in the wake of another heartache. Before Aaron, my fiancee had put someone else over me. That time it was another woman. This time a job. Next time, would it be something else?

That night, I allowed Aaron to whisk me away. We got to know each other. I told him about my ex in limited words. He told me about his son and showed me a picture. Jack was a perfect mixture of his mother and father. I told him about my job at the CIA, a programmer, and he told me about his job at the BAU. He didn’t know I’d heard about the famed Aaron Hotchner before.

So when he asked me out I didn’t hesitate. I was spun around the ballroom of our existence, my feet rarely touching the ground. Until they crashed. Once again, his child came first - understood - but his job also came first. Every. Single. Time. 

I admired what he did. I really did and still do. But he allows himself to be consumed by it. That wouldn’t bother me as much if he hadn’t sucked me in. But he did. I’d crashed to the ground again. And it was too late. 

Again, I found myself walking into my apartment and standing still in the darkness. 

\---  
Dancing slowly in an empty room  
Can the lonely take the place of you  
I sing myself a quiet lullaby  
Let you go and let the lonely in  
To take my heart again  
\---

The idea of going to bed alone made me numb. 

As I grabbed a glass of water from the kitchen, I allowed the loneliness to manifest itself into something tangible, something that could caress this feeling I had into oblivion. I floated around the room in a carefully crafted dance that mostly consisted of swaying back and forth until the loneliness took its form and accompanied me to bed. I never wanted it, but it was not under my control.

I didn’t want it to accompany me. But it always did. Maybe it was afraid to leave me without comfort as I fell asleep for fear of what would happen if it left, leaving behind only a shell of the woman I once was.

\---  
Too afraid, to go inside  
For the pain of one more loveless night  
For the loneliness will stay with me  
And hold me till I fall asleep  
\---

With the shadowy figure at my back, I made my way into my bedroom, hoping beyond hope that my futile attempts at thinking good thoughts, more happy ones. But they didn’t. No matter what came to my mind, they all traveled back to him. Being put on the back burner so many times had banished my ability to think positively. 

No. Again, I would allow myself to be caressed by the shadowy gentle hands of that thing called loneliness as I fell asleep. Maybe the answer was to just not let anyone in anymore. At least that way I could get accustomed to the loneliness and learn to love myself apart from it and apart from anyone else.


End file.
